Released Balloons

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Picture this:

A girl with worries clearly seen in her face, gripping tight few strings that holding some colorful balloons to float close to her. Tilt your head up a bit, and you can see there’s a balloon flying high to the sky. It used to be hers. Now you know that she holds the balloon tight so that no more of it fly and leave her again.

That’s exactly what I feel.. at least until some times ago.

I had some dreams that I held tight, like what that girl do. Some of them related to how I want my wedding to be. I used to dream of an outdoor wedding, in a lush green yard where tiny lights and lampions hang everywhere it almost cover up the sky above my head. I’d be wearing a simple broken-white lace long dress, and he’d wear a navy blue suit – his favorite color. We’d only see people that we know dearly, because it’d be a private wedding. I’d have a flower crown instead of sanggul that would only make me look even more chubby than usual. We’d have a fine cooked food while listening to some acoustic music played by the band. Me and him, we would slow dance along with the music and end the evening by a kiss.

Those were some of my balloons… and now it’s flown away, up to the sky, and disappeared.

If you’re an Indonesian and come from a family that kinda conservative, you shouldn’t dream of a private wedding.

If you’re an Indonesian, a Bataknese, come from a family that kinda conservative, and marrying another Bataknese, you better kill all of your dreams to hold a wedding as you wish, as soon as it pops out in your mind. There’s no way it would happen, because you’re going to hold it in a traditional Bataknese way – along with its complicated and costly rituals. No private wedding. Instead, you will meet so many people that you never meet before… and apparently they are your “family” in a way, or another.

I never say this to anyone, but it actually breaks my heart to let go my dream balloons one by one. It still is.

“But this is your life, and a wedding isn’t an everyday event! You should make your dreams come true!”

I know it. I know. But if the choice is that and make my parents happy… I guess it’s okay to hurt myself a bit. I love them too much and I want them to be happy. I’m marrying a man that I love anyway. Everyone’s happy and I’m not losing that much too. I can still be happy with what’s left for me.

When someone holds a balloon for him/herself, he/she is the only person who can enjoy the beauty brought by the balloons’ color. But if we let some of them fly to the sky, many people can enjoy the beautiful view.

Don’t you think it’s heartwarming?

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