What Happened With Eden

Eden.

Hampir tiga minggu berlalu sejak kepergiannya, dan lidahku masih tetap kelu setiap menyebut namanya. Aku lebih nyaman menyebutnya “Abang” setiap kali topik tentangnya muncul dalam obrolan keluarga. Well, Eden memang anak sulung kami, yang sayangnya harus ikhlas kurelakan bahkan sebelum aku bisa melihatnya.

Sampai sekarangpun, aku masih enggan kalau harus berulang kali menjelaskan pada setiap orang yang menanyakan apa yang terjadi dengan Eden. Aku paham benar, itu hal yang lazim ditanyakan orang saat mendengar berita kematian, apalagi jika kematian itu termasuk mendadak. Aku sudah cukup lelah merasakan jungkir baliknya duniaku di awal April lalu, harus tetap tersenyum saat aku masih belum puas berduka, dan menjawab semua pertanyaan dari orang-orang yang membesuk – yang kebanyakan adalah orang-orang yang lebih tua daripada aku dan rasanya tidak sopan kalau kubilang ‘saya tidak ingin membahas soal ini’.

Now that I’m feeling quite better, kupikir lebih baik kuceritakan apa yang terjadi di sini saja. Aku tidak perlu mengulang ceritaku, cukup dengan memberi link, dan selesai. You have your curiosity answered in one click, thank you technology.

3 April 2018.
Eden hidup dan sehat sampai setidaknya hari itu. Itu hari terakhir aku bisa merasakan gerakannya dalam perutku, walaupun bisa kubilang gerakannya berkurang, tidak seperti biasa. Sempat sangat khawatir karena dia tidak bereaksi saat aku mengelus perutku, ditambah dengan perutku yang mengeras, terasa kembung, dan penuh gas, akhirnya aku bisa merasa lega karena akhirnya dia bergerak banyak tepat sebelum aku tidur.

4 April 2018.
Aku masih ke kantor karena ini pekan terakhirku bekerja sebelum menjalani cuti melahirkan. Jujur, aku tidak memperhatikan gerakan Eden karena perhatianku tersita untuk aktivitas di kantor yang agak padat. Sempat beberapa kali aku merasakan kontraksi palsu membuatku tidak khawatir dengan Eden karena waktu itu kupikir selama kita merasakan kontraksi palsu, artinya bayi baik-baik saja. Kontraksi palsu berlangsung juga di malam hari. Tendangan Eden sudah tidak kutemukan, tapi pengetahuanku yang salah membuatku tetap tenang. Satu-satunya hal yang agak aneh hari itu adalah kedua kakiku bengkak sekali, dan tidak normal kembali bahkan setelah bangun tidur. Aneh, karena sepanjang kehamilan aku hampir tidak pernah merasakan kaki bengkak. Kalaupun bengkak sesekali, hilang setelah bangun tidur. Papanya Eden sempat mengajak ke RS tempat kami biasa kontrol kehamilan, tapi kutolak karena selain capek pulang kantor dan RSnya agak jauh, besoknya adalah jadwal kontrol mingguan ke dokter kandungan. Mingguan, karena saat itu usia kandunganku sudah hampir memasuki 38 minggu.

5 April 2018. The day.
Kami pergi seperti biasa ke rumah sakit. Tidak ada firasat apapun. Kaki masih bengkak, tapi excited karena akan melihat Eden lagi. Pagi yang sangat normal.
Seperti biasa juga, dokter langsung memintaku berbaring di tempat yang disediakan untuk menjalani USG.

And that’s the point where my world went upside down.

Aku bahkan tidak curiga ada yang salah sampai dokter menanyakan usia pernikahan kami.. yang kemudian disusul dengan, “Mohon maaf… Bayinya sudah meninggal.”

I was like, “Wait… what?” And suddenly, it felt like the air was very suffocating and the world under my feet just… disappeared.

Jangan ditanya apa yang kemudian terjadi pada kami berdua. Dokter memutuskan aku harus menjalani operasi caesar hari itu juga untuk mengeluarkan Eden.
That was the last time I got in touch with him.

The rest is history.
Yang terjadi setelah itu adalah cerita tentang aku, bukan lagi tentang Eden. Aku tidak sempat melihatnya lagi, karena ia harus menjalani prosedur sebelum pemakamannya sehari kemudian, 6 April 2018, dan aku tidak bisa apa-apa pasca operasi. Foto dan cerita, that’s all I can treasure.

Aku tetap tidak bisa menceritakan diagnosa dokter tentang apa yang jadi penyebab IUFD (Intra Uterine Fetal Death) pada Eden. Yang bisa kukatakan hanya ini pelajaran yang keras untuk kami berdua. Mudah-mudahan post ini cukup menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tidak kujawab.

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Photograph

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There are times when thoughts about taking pictures as much as possible as long as we live crossing my mind. Most of the times, it happened after a loss because those are the times when I realize the value of things that I lost and times when I wish I keep more printed memories about it.

My fiance’s mother passed away this afternoon. She lost on her battle against breast cancer that was diagnosed around 8 months ago. Went through four times of chemotherapy.. and she didn’t make it.

I remember the first time I met her, around May last year. She was a very energetic woman. I respected her so much it sometimes felt awkward to talk to her. On the first phase of her cancer medication, she had a very strong will to survive. She went under surgeries and she said it doesn’t hurt at all.

But those times flown away so fast. That strength quickly fade away, left her with only skin and bones. Her death today broke my heart so much, and reminded me how little I’ve done for her while she loved me so much like her own daughter. I couldn’t help but cry as soon as the news came.

I wish I called her yesterday.
I wish I was closer to her more than I did last time.
I wish I talked much to her.
And I wish I took more pictures of her.

She’s supposed to be there, witness the moment when I say my vow together with her favorite son before God, and become her daughter-in-law.

God loves her more, I assume.
Then rest in peace. Please look up on your son when you have the time and bless him.

Released Balloons

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Picture this:

A girl with worries clearly seen in her face, gripping tight few strings that holding some colorful balloons to float close to her. Tilt your head up a bit, and you can see there’s a balloon flying high to the sky. It used to be hers. Now you know that she holds the balloon tight so that no more of it fly and leave her again.

That’s exactly what I feel.. at least until some times ago.

I had some dreams that I held tight, like what that girl do. Some of them related to how I want my wedding to be. I used to dream of an outdoor wedding, in a lush green yard where tiny lights and lampions hang everywhere it almost cover up the sky above my head. I’d be wearing a simple broken-white lace long dress, and he’d wear a navy blue suit – his favorite color. We’d only see people that we know dearly, because it’d be a private wedding. I’d have a flower crown instead of sanggul that would only make me look even more chubby than usual. We’d have a fine cooked food while listening to some acoustic music played by the band. Me and him, we would slow dance along with the music and end the evening by a kiss.

Those were some of my balloons… and now it’s flown away, up to the sky, and disappeared.

If you’re an Indonesian and come from a family that kinda conservative, you shouldn’t dream of a private wedding.

If you’re an Indonesian, a Bataknese, come from a family that kinda conservative, and marrying another Bataknese, you better kill all of your dreams to hold a wedding as you wish, as soon as it pops out in your mind. There’s no way it would happen, because you’re going to hold it in a traditional Bataknese way – along with its complicated and costly rituals. No private wedding. Instead, you will meet so many people that you never meet before… and apparently they are your “family” in a way, or another.

I never say this to anyone, but it actually breaks my heart to let go my dream balloons one by one. It still is.

“But this is your life, and a wedding isn’t an everyday event! You should make your dreams come true!”

I know it. I know. But if the choice is that and make my parents happy… I guess it’s okay to hurt myself a bit. I love them too much and I want them to be happy. I’m marrying a man that I love anyway. Everyone’s happy and I’m not losing that much too. I can still be happy with what’s left for me.

When someone holds a balloon for him/herself, he/she is the only person who can enjoy the beauty brought by the balloons’ color. But if we let some of them fly to the sky, many people can enjoy the beautiful view.

Don’t you think it’s heartwarming?

Hi.

I have a tendency to post a greeting everytime I set up a new blog (which means this is obviously not my first blog). That, two-three posts, and it’s neglected. Repeat.

The thing is I actually don’t think that my life is blog-worthy; that’s why I don’t blog much. It’s pretty dull in my opinion. Although my mind is a theme park where I can set up plenty of stuffs based on an idea, I still ran out of ideas more than I got it because my life in a nutshell is none other than a fixed-regular schedule; do same things everyday, over and over and over again.

Then, why?

Because my need to pour my mind out and the availability of listeners is badly imbalance. You might have heard it too somewhere that we, females, have a bigger need to talk. So, let’s just say blogging is the media I choose to substitute it. I’m the same old girl who has her fun while sinking deep in a sea of thoughts, so this blog is going to contain… randomness.

So yes, here I am, trying to blog (again), karena setiap kehidupan (akan selalu) punya cerita 🙂